Reunited and it Feels So Good...

Wendy's and I haven't been on the best of terms the past few weeks. Every time I drive by her, I cringe. She used to be my favorite stop for lunch; I'd drop by and visit once a week. Ever since my 6th week of pregnancy, I haven't had the stomach to see her. However, today, I stopped in to see how she was doing and it turns out we are friends again. She bribed me with a bacon cheeseburger and chicken nuggets. Although, the nuggets with ranch didn't go down so well, the burger was good enough to put us on better terms for the time being.

Aaaack!

Sometimes I feel like the world is playing a cruel joke on me: I'm not really pregnant. They're just doing a study to see if women display symptoms if they're told they're pregnant. Like my averstion to ANY odor is just another one of my pseudo-symptoms that I've conjured up. I almost feel like I'm faking it. It's not real. It can't be real. Dave and I can't make babies. I almost feel like I've been brainwashed. Infertility really plays these tricks on your mind.


When I knew I was pregnant, I only peed on one stick, ONE! I was too afraid to use up any others for fear that I wouldn't have any to pee on the following month! Even when the stick indicated a negative all those other times...I would pee on 1 or 2 more, just in case. What is my problem? Has infertility permanently branded me to think only negative thoughts? Have I lost all hope? I'm losing it!


In other news: our 12 week ultrasound is scheduled for this Friday! I'm excited about this one because I've been told we'll be able to see the baby moving around as well as get some really good shots because they'll be doing a lot of measuring. (In the back of my mind-my main concern is that the heart is still beating and there is in fact a live baby in there...damn infertility.)

Ms. Grumpy Pants

I know I shouldn't be irritated about this, but I am. First of all, I'm terrified that sharing our news will somehow jinx this pregnancy. Last night at Dave's brother's birthday party, I walked in to congratulations from several people. People I hadn't seen in a long time. Apparently my FIL had been informing all the guests of our news as they walked through the door. I was a bit taken aback. I guess nothing is sacred anymore. I just feel betrayed when we make such specific requests not to tell and yet, it comes flying out with no abandon. I was angry at first, now I feel offended. Not only was I unprepared for congrats, but I was confident that our news wouldn't be shared by our close family when we asked them not to.

Let down...again.

11 Weeks Today!

I'm 11 weeks today...so close to the end of my first trimester. I told Heather about our little bean last night, she was so excited. I still get nervous telling people for some reason. It's funny. Keri wanted me to share the news at her baby shower, but I'm hesitant. 1. I don't want to rain on her parade...it's her day. 2. I feel like I'm going to jinx it somehow, so I'm holding it in as long as I can.

My pregnancy books say that the baby is fully formed now, all it has to do is grow. Grow baby grow!!

Tired

I'm tired. Not much to post other than morning sickness is more like night sickness. I get nauseous towards the end of the day and not much will make it subside. Peppermints and I are best friends.

Mother's Day

Mother's Day was surprisingly emotional for me. I felt very much in limbo while driving to church. I had so many raging emotions that I didn't know what to feel. I felt sorrow for the baby we had lost in January, joy for the new life I carried, excitement for my Mother moving back to Arizona, despair for my friends suffering infertility and finally, sadness for the loss of my own infertility. I am very happy to be moving on from that point in my life, but I felt a strange sense of emptiness realizing that we were putting it behind us. As I sobbed uncontrollably in church, Dave wrapped me in his amazing embrace.

When we returned home, Dave presented me with the most perfect 1st Mother's Day card and a tiny newborn sleeper that said "Champ" on it. I bawled like a baby. I love that man.

Later that afternoon, we took Dave's Mom her gift. She opened the card that said "to the Grandma to be (again)" and smiled. Then she went on to read the inside. We noticed she didn't have her glasses on and was only skimming! She pulled the card away from her face and it took a while for it to register. Then she said "are you kidding? yeah!!!", then started crying and giving hugs. Then she asked how far along I was. Dad Rich and Sara, the only two others in the room figured it out by then. We called Marie after our visit - she kept laughing and saying how excited she was for us. It was a great day.

We Spilled the Bean!

I just couldn't wait. My parents were moving to town this weekend and we went over to their place to greet them last night. We decided to take them a "housewarming gift". We were all sitting around the table (Joyce & Scott were not able to make it-Steven would be coming later) and Mom asked who the flowers were from. As I pushed a small gift bag toward her, I said, "oh, we wanted to get you a housewarming gift, so we had a portrait taken today." "Oh, that's so nice!" Mom said. She pulled out the tissue and began unwrapping the small frame that carried the ultrasound picture. She looked at the photo, then at me with confusion in her eyes. Then the tears started. "Don't tease me", she said while shooting up from her seat. "Well, it was taken today" I said while choking back my own tears. She started bawling and covered her mouth with the frame clutched close to her chest. Everyone was looking at Dave and me completely confused. Dad stood up to console Mom and try to get a glimpse at the photo. Then Jackie said, "is that what I think it is?" and Dad "what is going on?" Mom slowly turned the frame around to reveal to the rest of the family. Shouts of excitement. Jackie started crying and someone said "no way". Then the story of our little bean began...