Mrs. Grumpy Pants

I have been getting so frustrated with Dave lately. I have no doubt that the raging pregnancy hormones have something, if not everything, to do with it. Last week, when we went in for the 8 week ultrasound, he asked why we were here again. I told him that the doctor wanted to make sure everything looked ok with the bean because I'd been having very painful cramping. He said, "we just saw it last week". I replied, "yes, but I've been having pain...and, aren't you interested in seeing how much it's grown?" he replied, "can't be much since last week". Then I got angry. I told him that I would like to see more excitement in him, after all, we had waited for this for a long time. He told me that he was excited and asked me how I expected him to show it. Here we go: For one, you jump up and down and scream at basketball games, perhaps you could show some of that same enthusiasm? Two, when I tell you about something exciting going on at work, you ask me lots of questions and want to know all about it. How about some of that perkiness? And three, try to become involved and "get attached" to this baby by enthusiastically coming to my ultrasounds with me. I haven't asked him to come to the OB appointments because I think they're boring. But come on, you should want to come to the ultrasound appointments! We're lucky that we get so many this early on. Not only that, but you should want to come for the sole reason that we DO get so many this early on! If the doctor thinks the baby might be in jeopardy, don't you think it would be a good idea to lend some support to your wife in the rare case that she attends an ultrasound appointment and there's no heartbeat? After my whining, he relented with "yeah, I wouldn't want you to be alone for that".

End of rant

8 Weeks Today!

Dave and I walked into the steaming ultrasound room and prepped to see our baby at 8 weeks. The tech tried the wand over my belly, but nothing showed up. Another internal exam, so fun. She moved the wand around a bit and discovered the reason for the "no-show" on the over-belly wand: my uterus is tipped back so far that she couldn't see it from that angle. She immediately pulled up our bean and we could see the heart flickering and then we heard it. A fast wooshing sound: 163 bpm. I noticed a ring around the baby and asked what it was (the amniotic sac). Dave replied before she could answer: "that's the halo". Ha! I don't think it's possible for our spawn to carry one of those! We took home two pics of the bean to put in cards for Grandma's on Mother's Day. It's such a relief to see that heartbeat flickering away!

Guilt has set in

Pregnancy is not what I expected. At all. I guess I had it in my mind that I would be excited all the time and busy in preparation for our new arrival. Not quite the case. I am so tired that I can barely squeeze out enough energy after work to make myself a bowl of cereal. I'm so worried that my unusual symptoms might indicate that something is wrong. And when those symptoms don't surface for a few hours or a day, I worry that something is wrong. I feel guilty. I have wanted this for so long and it's not what I expected: to enjoy being pregnant, with all it has to offer.

On another note, I have my 8 week ultrasound scheduled for today. I'm very excited to see the progress of our little bean, yet with each ultrasound, I always have this dread in the back of my mind that it could all be over in the blink of an eye. Whatever the case, the Lord will provide.

Did she really just say that?!

I already knew my body was totally out of whack, but come on! It seems my morning sickness is coming out the wrong end!!

I never knew how pretty I could be during pregnancy ;)

Fear

I've realized lately how cautious I've been with my emotions. They are raw, I'm sure due in part to the raging pregnancy hormones. So raw, that I whimper at lame commercials and even last night when Dave accidentally ate my burger that I so craved. Yet, I guard them. When I start to well up, I immediately shut myself down and refuse to let that emotion out. I think this is the reason I've withheld sharing the news of our new pregnancy with family and friends. I'm afraid that their emotions will somehow force me into new ones that I'm not prepared to experience yet. I know that with each ultrasound, I take a step up on the progress ladder. However, each step takes me to higher ground where the fall is imminently more painful. I'm afraid to take those steps for fear that the hole I'm still digging myself out of will engulf me forever if I fall again.

UPDATE: K, I just realized that I cried over a burger last night. How funny is that?! Dave apologized through his laughter, but I was so hungry! We did go back through the drive-through and order another one PLUS a milkshake. He owed me at least a milkshake. While we were waiting for the order, I kept gagging over the smell of the tater tots. P.S. Cheese has the worst after-taste.

Nervousing...

We had a bit of a scare yesterday. At about 11am, I was experiencing SEVERE abdominal cramping that lasted about 20 minutes, then the same cramping later at about 3pm. Worse than period cramps, but quite different than those I'd experienced when AF arrived. No bleeding, but it freaked me out, so I called my OB. She scheduled an appointment for 4pm that same day. When I got in, she did a pelvic exam and an ultrasound on their old system (they only have one US unit in the office!) The exam showed a flickering bean measuring right on target at 160bpm. Dr. BP said that I made her nervous and she now wants to "watch me like a hawk". I found that a bit humorous, since she treated me during my miscarriage in January and at that appointment, told me that she'd monitor me very closely during the next pregnancy. At my first appointment for this pregnancy, she only ordered ultrasounds for 6 and 12 weeks. A far cry from what I thought would be "close monitoring". I complained about not having more ultrasounds then, but she assured me that everything would be fine. I guess she finally realized that wouldn't work for me. I'll now have rotating appointments with her and the ultrasound tech every other week. So, I'll get to see our little "raspberry" this Friday (8 weeks already!) and again at 10 weeks, just before we make our announcement to the family.

On a more sobering note,I finally recieved the pathology results from the miscarriage: Inconclusive. Apparently, the tissues I had supplied were simply from the uterine lining and not at all related to "conception". So, unfortunately, we'll never know why the miscarriage happened. I expected to be quite emotional about whatever the results entailed, but I find myself very sober instead.

The Good...the Bad...the Ugly

The Good: I just looked down at my pregnancy ticker for the first time in a few days and noticed that the "bump" has been exposed. I feel like I'm on my way! Dave and I have been coming up with fun nicknames for the baby over the weekend. We think it's so funny that references of the baby's size always pertain to food. This week the baby will be about the size of a raspberry. Yum! We decided that once I get good and preggo, we'll start to call the baby our "Little Butterball" because Dave thinks it could actually get to be the size of a turkey!

The Bad: My symptoms have been fluctuating quite a bit over the past few days. The weekends have been quite restless. I'm still very tired, very cranky, and very burpy.

The Ugly: The worst of my symptoms continues to be GI problems. I am almost constantly bloated and feel like I'm about to pop. I've never had this before, so I'm sure it's the baby talking. I get about 3-4 hours of sleep each night because I'm awoken by this excruciating pressure in my stomach. It refuses to go away, even with enzymes, yogurt, Rolaids and other means (you don't want to know). What's even worse is my doctor hasn't called me back since I left a message last Thursday! I'm VERY irritated about that. I left a message asking for suggestions of what I could take and NO return call. And it's going on 2pm Monday! I'm about ready to find another OBGYN who will return my calls AND monitor me more closely.