I can't believe I'm finally pregnant and it's sticking. It's still so surreal to me. I don't think I've clarified how miraculous this pregnancy really is. I am absolutely amazed at God's fingerprints in my life. When I had read stories of pregnancy miracles, I wanted to yell at those people because I never felt it would happen to me. Yet here I sit...pregnant...naturally.
I've looked back a thousand times to when Dave and I were prompted in the temple to begin building our family. When we arrived in the Celestial Room, neither of us wanted to share our experiences for fear that we wouldn't be accepting of the idea. We hadn't planned (or I hadn't planned, rather) on starting our family for another several months. We both had distinct, separate feelings that it was time to start "trying". For some reason, I was afraid of that challenge and pushed the feelings aside. After reveling in those thoughts over the next few months, I finally discarded my birth control. Like most women, I expected to get pregnant within the first few months (even though I knew since my teenage years that something wasn't right with my body). That was almost three years ago. I sometimes wonder if God was trying to prepare us for what was ahead by giving us those promptings.
After a year off birth control and a visit to my OBGYN who shrugged me off, I decided to seek the help of a specialist. Upon the referral of my sister-in-law, we scheduled our first appointment with Dr. Gunnala at Southwest Fertility Center. After a plethora (and I do mean plethora!) of tests, pokes, and peeing in several cups, the doctor casually mentioned that I had PCOS. PCO-what?! She told us that our only options were intrauterine insemination or in vitro fertilization. We left the office dazed and dumbstruck. I immediately went to the computer and scoured the internet for information on PCOS. My first thought after researching was: what a terrible disease! Then I realized that I was right all those times that I had consulted my doctors for information. There WAS something wrong with me! I was furious that I had been dismissed so often and so easily by as many as 4 doctors on several occasions.
Following the diagnosis, we prepared for our first insemination. I already felt that I was too emotional, but add fertility drugs on top of that and you get an insane woman! Our first attempt resulted in a negative. So did the second. After about 6 months of horrible bed-side manner and misplaced records, we decided to attempt another clinic. Insurance wasn't paying for anything after diagnosis anyway, so what did it matter? We began seeing Dr. Rychlik, a PCOS specialist, at Fertility Treatment Center in Tempe. What a difference! We loved the nurses and doctors and felt very comfortable there. After our first consult with Dr. Rychlik, who explained more in 20 minutes to me about my disease than Dr. Gunnala did in 6 months, we decided to start our 3rd round of insemination. Another negative.
By the time we got to our fourth insemination, I was really starting to wonder if I would ever be able to have children. Then, I had an experience that told me I would be pregnant after our 4th insemination. I was convinced that it would work. After the round of injections and insemination, we waited the dreaded 2WW (2-week wait). On the day I got my period, my best friend called to announce her pregnancy. She and her husband had tried for 2 months. I was happy for her, but so devastated for myself. My faith faltered as I tried desperately to understand why I could be so convinced that the 4th time was the charm, when it wasn't.
Following the 4th insemination, I contracted a bad case of bronchitis and was out of work for a few days. I had a routine check-up scheduled with my OBGYN on January 3rd. At that appointment, I learned that I was pregnant. Not due to insemination, but naturally. Dave and I were blissfully unaware that sex could cause pregnancy! We shared the news with my parents and a few close friends. After all, we didn't want the whole world to know in case something went wrong. Sadly, it did. The following Monday, I had an ultrasound done to see how things were progressing. They were not. Then, my hormone levels began to plummet. I was miscarrying. I've been through some painful situations in my life, but nothing prepared me for the emotional and physical torture I was about to endure. Our baby left my body on January 14th. The same day my first nephew was born.
I carried you in my womb, sheltered you in my heart.
My womb, aching and hollow, has healed.
My heart still bleeds where you tore from its embrace
My arms cradle an empty circle.
I fold them around my chest to fill the void you left,
To ward off the pain of emptiness.
I was forever changed the moment I lost my baby. I realized that faith doesn't entitle me to healing. That God has blessings for me so great I can't even fathom. If only I will follow Him and trust in Him. I learned how important my Dave is to me and that if I have no babies on this earth, I will have him forever. I became a mother in that instant. I will forever be mommy to that baby. It was almost like that tiny being left a fire within me to become a better person.
After the miscarriage, I had a plan. I was going to heal my body of this disease that had taken my life away. I waited nearly 7 weeks (infertility seems to be nothing but waiting) for my first period to arrive following the miscarriage. Then I began taking metformin for the PCOS, prescribed to help the kidneys to produce the right amount of insulin in diabetic patients. It had helped ease some of my symptoms before, so I decided to give it another try. Two weeks later, my fertility monitor displayed "peak fertility". We had an ovulation party. Two weeks after that, I took a pregnancy test. It was positive. The rest is, as they say, history.
During my plight to heal my body, my spirit was healed as well. My faith in my Father has never faltered, but I regained my sense of faith in myself. There are many hurdles still for me to climb, but I now feel I'm off in the right direction thanks to the small miracles that happen for us every day.
These experiences remind me how unique my challenges are and how much I am loved by my Heavenly Father. He knows my needs. He knows what's best for me and WHEN it's best for me. I have never doubted that, though it has been hard to swallow at times.
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