I have mixed emotions about sharing the news of this pregnancy. Part of me wants to shout it from the rooftops. Part of me feels like I need to hold on for dear life and not tell a soul to protect myself from unwanted pain in case something goes wrong. Part of me fears the announcement of this baby will somehow throw the memory of our first baby into the shadows and I'm terrified I won't be able to handle that. Another part of me is afraid that the moment of announcing our first pregnancy is gone and we can't ever get it back. Even though we didn't even get to make the announcement for ourselves in the first place. The worst part is fearing there will be no excitement from friends and family for this new baby because of the last miscarriage.
When I saw the positive pregnancy test in my doctor's office that day in January, a wave of emotion came over me. Simple emotion: joy. I walked out of the office whispering "thank you, thank you, thank you" over and over to God as I walked to my car with tears of joy streaming down my face. This was finally happening for us. We were stunned, yet elated. We started making plans right away.
Following the miscarriage, upon discovering another positive pregnancy test, my immediate thought was "here we go again". Not "yeah" or "thank you". It was a Saturday morning and Dave was still asleep. I brought the stick to his bedside and woke him with a kiss. I showed him the stick and said, "look what I found while unpacking". He smiled and said, "are you happy?" I smiled back and said yes. I was. I am. But this time I'm guarded. Even though this pregnancy feels more "planned" than the last, even though we've been planning for our family for almost three years now. This is the life of a stirrup queen. Infertility will ALWAYS be a part of my life. No matter how hard I try to close that chapter, it's references will always seep back into the sequels. My book of infertility will never be closed.
There's one thing that I've learned through all my obstacles in life: I can hand over anything to God because He knows best. Feelings and emotions, however, cannot be passed on. That's where the learning comes in to play for me. I have to feel through my emotions in order to get to the other side where I can look back and figure out the lesson. Right now, the emotion I'm most afraid of is fear itself.
Wednesday, April 18, 2007
Mixed Emotions
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1 comment:
I have been feeling the same way...very mixed emotions. We are excited about adopting, but we are scared to get our hopes up, or really have true joy about it. It's especially hard with Destiny being in the foster care system. We don't know for sure what will happen (or when), as far as visits and the adoption, and we don't know how she will adjust once we do get to bring her home.
I can't begin to imagine what you've been through with a miscarriage. Although I can relate to the grief, the worry, the apprehension, and the guarding your heart from more hurt.
This trial is SO hard! You learn so much about yourself, and about trusting in the Lord. You learn that things work out for a reason, though we may not know why until we've gone through the veil. But you also learn to be fearful and to not get your hopes up.
I just want you to know that you're not alone in these feelings. I hope that you can find some peace and happiness in all of this too. I hope the same for myself too.
(((HUGS)))
P.S. I just wanted to say that you have made SUCH a difference in my life! Because of you I found a whole new world of "cyber sisters/friends", and have learned a lot about adopting a child from foster care! I always appreciate your sweet comments on my blog too!Thank you!
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