Paranoia

I had my blood drawn again yesterday to check the hcg and progesterone levels one last time before my first OB visit as I'm already one of those paranoid mothers. It's going on 1pm now and I still haven't gotten the results back from my doctor's office; usually they call me before noon. Thoughts are racing through my brain: What if this one doesn't make it either? Will I be able to handle it? I've already become more attached to this little one than the last time for some reason. Maybe they aren't calling me because they have bad news. Perhaps they have a "bad news list" and they don't make those calls until later in the day. I know I'm just creating more anxiety for myself than I should or need to, but I can't help it.
UPDATE at 2:49pm: The nurse called with my results. HCG is 3470 and Progesterone is 19.5. Very good numbers. I'm relieved, yet I still feel a sense of anxiety.

Will the worrying ever stop? Is this how my entire life will play out because I've been plagued with infertility? Sometimes I wish I were one of those naive pregnant women who have never had to deal with infertility. That way I would feel confident in sharing our news with friends and family from the beginning. I wouldn't worry that something is wrong with the baby every time I feel a twinge in my abdomen or if I go 2 hours without feeling pregnancy symptoms. I wouldn't avoid my husband for fear that having sex killed our last baby. I wouldn't blame myself for killing our baby by taking all those prescriptions when I had bronchitis the week before we found out we were pregnant.

I wouldn't trade the experiences and things I've learned from my challenges for anything. I sometimes wish, though, that those walls I slowly build would turn into doors sooner.