Mrs. Grumpy Pants

I have been getting so frustrated with Dave lately. I have no doubt that the raging pregnancy hormones have something, if not everything, to do with it. Last week, when we went in for the 8 week ultrasound, he asked why we were here again. I told him that the doctor wanted to make sure everything looked ok with the bean because I'd been having very painful cramping. He said, "we just saw it last week". I replied, "yes, but I've been having pain...and, aren't you interested in seeing how much it's grown?" he replied, "can't be much since last week". Then I got angry. I told him that I would like to see more excitement in him, after all, we had waited for this for a long time. He told me that he was excited and asked me how I expected him to show it. Here we go: For one, you jump up and down and scream at basketball games, perhaps you could show some of that same enthusiasm? Two, when I tell you about something exciting going on at work, you ask me lots of questions and want to know all about it. How about some of that perkiness? And three, try to become involved and "get attached" to this baby by enthusiastically coming to my ultrasounds with me. I haven't asked him to come to the OB appointments because I think they're boring. But come on, you should want to come to the ultrasound appointments! We're lucky that we get so many this early on. Not only that, but you should want to come for the sole reason that we DO get so many this early on! If the doctor thinks the baby might be in jeopardy, don't you think it would be a good idea to lend some support to your wife in the rare case that she attends an ultrasound appointment and there's no heartbeat? After my whining, he relented with "yeah, I wouldn't want you to be alone for that".

End of rant

8 Weeks Today!

Dave and I walked into the steaming ultrasound room and prepped to see our baby at 8 weeks. The tech tried the wand over my belly, but nothing showed up. Another internal exam, so fun. She moved the wand around a bit and discovered the reason for the "no-show" on the over-belly wand: my uterus is tipped back so far that she couldn't see it from that angle. She immediately pulled up our bean and we could see the heart flickering and then we heard it. A fast wooshing sound: 163 bpm. I noticed a ring around the baby and asked what it was (the amniotic sac). Dave replied before she could answer: "that's the halo". Ha! I don't think it's possible for our spawn to carry one of those! We took home two pics of the bean to put in cards for Grandma's on Mother's Day. It's such a relief to see that heartbeat flickering away!

Guilt has set in

Pregnancy is not what I expected. At all. I guess I had it in my mind that I would be excited all the time and busy in preparation for our new arrival. Not quite the case. I am so tired that I can barely squeeze out enough energy after work to make myself a bowl of cereal. I'm so worried that my unusual symptoms might indicate that something is wrong. And when those symptoms don't surface for a few hours or a day, I worry that something is wrong. I feel guilty. I have wanted this for so long and it's not what I expected: to enjoy being pregnant, with all it has to offer.

On another note, I have my 8 week ultrasound scheduled for today. I'm very excited to see the progress of our little bean, yet with each ultrasound, I always have this dread in the back of my mind that it could all be over in the blink of an eye. Whatever the case, the Lord will provide.

Did she really just say that?!

I already knew my body was totally out of whack, but come on! It seems my morning sickness is coming out the wrong end!!

I never knew how pretty I could be during pregnancy ;)

Fear

I've realized lately how cautious I've been with my emotions. They are raw, I'm sure due in part to the raging pregnancy hormones. So raw, that I whimper at lame commercials and even last night when Dave accidentally ate my burger that I so craved. Yet, I guard them. When I start to well up, I immediately shut myself down and refuse to let that emotion out. I think this is the reason I've withheld sharing the news of our new pregnancy with family and friends. I'm afraid that their emotions will somehow force me into new ones that I'm not prepared to experience yet. I know that with each ultrasound, I take a step up on the progress ladder. However, each step takes me to higher ground where the fall is imminently more painful. I'm afraid to take those steps for fear that the hole I'm still digging myself out of will engulf me forever if I fall again.

UPDATE: K, I just realized that I cried over a burger last night. How funny is that?! Dave apologized through his laughter, but I was so hungry! We did go back through the drive-through and order another one PLUS a milkshake. He owed me at least a milkshake. While we were waiting for the order, I kept gagging over the smell of the tater tots. P.S. Cheese has the worst after-taste.

Nervousing...

We had a bit of a scare yesterday. At about 11am, I was experiencing SEVERE abdominal cramping that lasted about 20 minutes, then the same cramping later at about 3pm. Worse than period cramps, but quite different than those I'd experienced when AF arrived. No bleeding, but it freaked me out, so I called my OB. She scheduled an appointment for 4pm that same day. When I got in, she did a pelvic exam and an ultrasound on their old system (they only have one US unit in the office!) The exam showed a flickering bean measuring right on target at 160bpm. Dr. BP said that I made her nervous and she now wants to "watch me like a hawk". I found that a bit humorous, since she treated me during my miscarriage in January and at that appointment, told me that she'd monitor me very closely during the next pregnancy. At my first appointment for this pregnancy, she only ordered ultrasounds for 6 and 12 weeks. A far cry from what I thought would be "close monitoring". I complained about not having more ultrasounds then, but she assured me that everything would be fine. I guess she finally realized that wouldn't work for me. I'll now have rotating appointments with her and the ultrasound tech every other week. So, I'll get to see our little "raspberry" this Friday (8 weeks already!) and again at 10 weeks, just before we make our announcement to the family.

On a more sobering note,I finally recieved the pathology results from the miscarriage: Inconclusive. Apparently, the tissues I had supplied were simply from the uterine lining and not at all related to "conception". So, unfortunately, we'll never know why the miscarriage happened. I expected to be quite emotional about whatever the results entailed, but I find myself very sober instead.

The Good...the Bad...the Ugly

The Good: I just looked down at my pregnancy ticker for the first time in a few days and noticed that the "bump" has been exposed. I feel like I'm on my way! Dave and I have been coming up with fun nicknames for the baby over the weekend. We think it's so funny that references of the baby's size always pertain to food. This week the baby will be about the size of a raspberry. Yum! We decided that once I get good and preggo, we'll start to call the baby our "Little Butterball" because Dave thinks it could actually get to be the size of a turkey!

The Bad: My symptoms have been fluctuating quite a bit over the past few days. The weekends have been quite restless. I'm still very tired, very cranky, and very burpy.

The Ugly: The worst of my symptoms continues to be GI problems. I am almost constantly bloated and feel like I'm about to pop. I've never had this before, so I'm sure it's the baby talking. I get about 3-4 hours of sleep each night because I'm awoken by this excruciating pressure in my stomach. It refuses to go away, even with enzymes, yogurt, Rolaids and other means (you don't want to know). What's even worse is my doctor hasn't called me back since I left a message last Thursday! I'm VERY irritated about that. I left a message asking for suggestions of what I could take and NO return call. And it's going on 2pm Monday! I'm about ready to find another OBGYN who will return my calls AND monitor me more closely.

Mixed Emotions

I have mixed emotions about sharing the news of this pregnancy. Part of me wants to shout it from the rooftops. Part of me feels like I need to hold on for dear life and not tell a soul to protect myself from unwanted pain in case something goes wrong. Part of me fears the announcement of this baby will somehow throw the memory of our first baby into the shadows and I'm terrified I won't be able to handle that. Another part of me is afraid that the moment of announcing our first pregnancy is gone and we can't ever get it back. Even though we didn't even get to make the announcement for ourselves in the first place. The worst part is fearing there will be no excitement from friends and family for this new baby because of the last miscarriage.

When I saw the positive pregnancy test in my doctor's office that day in January, a wave of emotion came over me. Simple emotion: joy. I walked out of the office whispering "thank you, thank you, thank you" over and over to God as I walked to my car with tears of joy streaming down my face. This was finally happening for us. We were stunned, yet elated. We started making plans right away.

Following the miscarriage, upon discovering another positive pregnancy test, my immediate thought was "here we go again". Not "yeah" or "thank you". It was a Saturday morning and Dave was still asleep. I brought the stick to his bedside and woke him with a kiss. I showed him the stick and said, "look what I found while unpacking". He smiled and said, "are you happy?" I smiled back and said yes. I was. I am. But this time I'm guarded. Even though this pregnancy feels more "planned" than the last, even though we've been planning for our family for almost three years now. This is the life of a stirrup queen. Infertility will ALWAYS be a part of my life. No matter how hard I try to close that chapter, it's references will always seep back into the sequels. My book of infertility will never be closed.

There's one thing that I've learned through all my obstacles in life: I can hand over anything to God because He knows best. Feelings and emotions, however, cannot be passed on. That's where the learning comes in to play for me. I have to feel through my emotions in order to get to the other side where I can look back and figure out the lesson. Right now, the emotion I'm most afraid of is fear itself.

The First Ultrasound: a Glimmer of Hope

Another milestone: the first ultrasound.

I walked into the exam room with a lump in my throat and tissues in my purse. I thought I had prepared myself for whatever I would see in the coming minutes. Not quite as prepared as I thought. I bawled like a baby. There on the screen was a flicker of hope: a heartbeat. A tiny baby with a flashing light indicating life. Through my tears I explained my story to the technician. She simply said, "I love hearing miracle stories like that". Then she printed out an image for me to keep.

Reward: "Worth the Wait" onesie, courtesy of Kiki (she thinks I'm having a girl). Very fitting, don't you think?

6 weeks today!

I'm 6 weeks pregnant TODAY! Wahoo! Our baby is the size of a BB pellet, as the books say. Last week, the books said it was the size of a sesame seed. So, Dave, being the funny guy he thinks he is, ate a burger last night with a sesame seed bun. He held up his burger and while looking at me said, "mmm, baby". Such a punk. Thanks for eating our kid! ;)

On the nervousing side: I have been having mild cramping off and on since before I found out I was pregnant. Mostly it would start around 3pm with just mild twinges. Today, I had true cramps. Almost like my period was about to start. FREAKED me out. OK, here's where it gets wierd. I peed and they lessened. I ate and they lessened even more. Is the baby just trying to tell me things? Perhaps I should listen.

Our first ultrasound is scheduled for Monday. I'm terrified that history may repeat itself, yet I'm very excited to hopefully be able to see the heartbeat. I've been looking forward to this day for a long time.

Miracle in the Making

I can't believe I'm finally pregnant and it's sticking. It's still so surreal to me. I don't think I've clarified how miraculous this pregnancy really is. I am absolutely amazed at God's fingerprints in my life. When I had read stories of pregnancy miracles, I wanted to yell at those people because I never felt it would happen to me. Yet here I sit...pregnant...naturally.

I've looked back a thousand times to when Dave and I were prompted in the temple to begin building our family. When we arrived in the Celestial Room, neither of us wanted to share our experiences for fear that we wouldn't be accepting of the idea. We hadn't planned (or I hadn't planned, rather) on starting our family for another several months. We both had distinct, separate feelings that it was time to start "trying". For some reason, I was afraid of that challenge and pushed the feelings aside. After reveling in those thoughts over the next few months, I finally discarded my birth control. Like most women, I expected to get pregnant within the first few months (even though I knew since my teenage years that something wasn't right with my body). That was almost three years ago. I sometimes wonder if God was trying to prepare us for what was ahead by giving us those promptings.

After a year off birth control and a visit to my OBGYN who shrugged me off, I decided to seek the help of a specialist. Upon the referral of my sister-in-law, we scheduled our first appointment with Dr. Gunnala at Southwest Fertility Center. After a plethora (and I do mean plethora!) of tests, pokes, and peeing in several cups, the doctor casually mentioned that I had PCOS. PCO-what?! She told us that our only options were intrauterine insemination or in vitro fertilization. We left the office dazed and dumbstruck. I immediately went to the computer and scoured the internet for information on PCOS. My first thought after researching was: what a terrible disease! Then I realized that I was right all those times that I had consulted my doctors for information. There WAS something wrong with me! I was furious that I had been dismissed so often and so easily by as many as 4 doctors on several occasions.

Following the diagnosis, we prepared for our first insemination. I already felt that I was too emotional, but add fertility drugs on top of that and you get an insane woman! Our first attempt resulted in a negative. So did the second. After about 6 months of horrible bed-side manner and misplaced records, we decided to attempt another clinic. Insurance wasn't paying for anything after diagnosis anyway, so what did it matter? We began seeing Dr. Rychlik, a PCOS specialist, at Fertility Treatment Center in Tempe. What a difference! We loved the nurses and doctors and felt very comfortable there. After our first consult with Dr. Rychlik, who explained more in 20 minutes to me about my disease than Dr. Gunnala did in 6 months, we decided to start our 3rd round of insemination. Another negative.

By the time we got to our fourth insemination, I was really starting to wonder if I would ever be able to have children. Then, I had an experience that told me I would be pregnant after our 4th insemination. I was convinced that it would work. After the round of injections and insemination, we waited the dreaded 2WW (2-week wait). On the day I got my period, my best friend called to announce her pregnancy. She and her husband had tried for 2 months. I was happy for her, but so devastated for myself. My faith faltered as I tried desperately to understand why I could be so convinced that the 4th time was the charm, when it wasn't.

Following the 4th insemination, I contracted a bad case of bronchitis and was out of work for a few days. I had a routine check-up scheduled with my OBGYN on January 3rd. At that appointment, I learned that I was pregnant. Not due to insemination, but naturally. Dave and I were blissfully unaware that sex could cause pregnancy! We shared the news with my parents and a few close friends. After all, we didn't want the whole world to know in case something went wrong. Sadly, it did. The following Monday, I had an ultrasound done to see how things were progressing. They were not. Then, my hormone levels began to plummet. I was miscarrying. I've been through some painful situations in my life, but nothing prepared me for the emotional and physical torture I was about to endure. Our baby left my body on January 14th. The same day my first nephew was born.

My child-
I carried you in my womb, sheltered you in my heart.
My womb, aching and hollow, has healed.
My heart still bleeds where you tore from its embrace
My arms cradle an empty circle.
I fold them around my chest to fill the void you left,
To ward off the pain of emptiness.

I was forever changed the moment I lost my baby. I realized that faith doesn't entitle me to healing. That God has blessings for me so great I can't even fathom. If only I will follow Him and trust in Him. I learned how important my Dave is to me and that if I have no babies on this earth, I will have him forever. I became a mother in that instant. I will forever be mommy to that baby. It was almost like that tiny being left a fire within me to become a better person.

After the miscarriage, I had a plan. I was going to heal my body of this disease that had taken my life away. I waited nearly 7 weeks (infertility seems to be nothing but waiting) for my first period to arrive following the miscarriage. Then I began taking metformin for the PCOS, prescribed to help the kidneys to produce the right amount of insulin in diabetic patients. It had helped ease some of my symptoms before, so I decided to give it another try. Two weeks later, my fertility monitor displayed "peak fertility". We had an ovulation party. Two weeks after that, I took a pregnancy test. It was positive. The rest is, as they say, history.

During my plight to heal my body, my spirit was healed as well. My faith in my Father has never faltered, but I regained my sense of faith in myself. There are many hurdles still for me to climb, but I now feel I'm off in the right direction thanks to the small miracles that happen for us every day.

These experiences remind me how unique my challenges are and how much I am loved by my Heavenly Father. He knows my needs. He knows what's best for me and WHEN it's best for me. I have never doubted that, though it has been hard to swallow at times.

Miracles happen when they're least expected...in God's time, in God's way.

Lacey's Dream...

Lacey Turner commented on my "Adventures" blog today and totally freaked me out! I guess some people DO have that 6th sense. If only she really knew...

Lacey said...
What if I told you I had a dream about you the other night?? I really did. It was the night of the party. You'd think I would dream about my husband!
April 10, 2007 8:46 PM

Princess Ang-hamin said...
you had a dream about me?! kinky! what was it about?
poor brandon...i was afraid i would come between you two sooner or later... ;)
April 11, 2007 8:51 AM

Lacey said...
I had a dream that you were pregnant. Hopefully that doesn't upset you. But it was so odd that I dreamed about you getting pregnant. I think it's a sign...
April 11, 2007 9:43 AM

Princess Ang-hamin said...
Cool! I like those kinds of dreams...keep them coming my way, so long as Brandon doesn't get jealous that you're not dreaming about him ;)
April 11, 2007 2:41 PM

Random!!

Maternity Splurge

I know I'm only just coming up on my 6th week of pregnancy, but holy cow, I'm bloated! I have to do the rubber band thing with the button on my pants already. So embarrassing! So...I splurged and bought myself a bella band at the Motherhood maternity store with Kiki last night. I wore it home. It is so comfortable!

On a side note, this whole pregnancy thing has still not settled in yet. It feels very unreal. I was so excited about being pregnant last time, but I'm having a really hard time wrapping my mind around this one. Perhaps I'm subconsciously protecting myself from getting hurt again...

Paranoia

I had my blood drawn again yesterday to check the hcg and progesterone levels one last time before my first OB visit as I'm already one of those paranoid mothers. It's going on 1pm now and I still haven't gotten the results back from my doctor's office; usually they call me before noon. Thoughts are racing through my brain: What if this one doesn't make it either? Will I be able to handle it? I've already become more attached to this little one than the last time for some reason. Maybe they aren't calling me because they have bad news. Perhaps they have a "bad news list" and they don't make those calls until later in the day. I know I'm just creating more anxiety for myself than I should or need to, but I can't help it.
UPDATE at 2:49pm: The nurse called with my results. HCG is 3470 and Progesterone is 19.5. Very good numbers. I'm relieved, yet I still feel a sense of anxiety.

Will the worrying ever stop? Is this how my entire life will play out because I've been plagued with infertility? Sometimes I wish I were one of those naive pregnant women who have never had to deal with infertility. That way I would feel confident in sharing our news with friends and family from the beginning. I wouldn't worry that something is wrong with the baby every time I feel a twinge in my abdomen or if I go 2 hours without feeling pregnancy symptoms. I wouldn't avoid my husband for fear that having sex killed our last baby. I wouldn't blame myself for killing our baby by taking all those prescriptions when I had bronchitis the week before we found out we were pregnant.

I wouldn't trade the experiences and things I've learned from my challenges for anything. I sometimes wish, though, that those walls I slowly build would turn into doors sooner.

soooo tired....must go on...

Rather than succumbing to complete exhaustion by passing out on the couch immediately upon coming home from work, I've now adjusted to being so tired and am able to sleepwalk through my every day chores. Then, I hit the sack at about 10pm. It's amazing how your body learns to cope with the challenges it's been given. I learned that early on when my ankle decided to stop working on me.

The Big Pay-Off

I've decided to reward myself (or the baby really) for each significant milestone that we've passed. These little rewards, no matter the outcome, will be a sweet reminder of the challenges that we've faced and overcome together.

The first reward for the 5 week mark and recieving good numbers on the second beta will be a pregancy book so we can learn more about our little bean.

When you come out screaming, I'll buy you a nice, shiny car...

Yes, I'm already bribing my kid :)

Symptom Tracker

I am officially 5 weeks along today. This is a milestone for me as the doctors told me that our first baby stopped growing about this time.

My symptoms so far:

• So tired all the time - I go to bed at 9 and I don't MOVE until the next morning (usually I stay up 'til about 11 or 12)
• Dry, chapped lips (yes, I'm drinking tons of water)
• Super sore boobs & nips (sorry TMI)
• Slight nausea
• Continuous pee-pee dancing
• I can eat ANYTHING, but if I take one look at it, I start to gag
• Constant burps (this was my first indicator that I was pregnant, because I had this symptom the first time)

I'm LOVING every minute of it!

Sweet Relief

My second beta number (the pregnancy hormone level) came back at 604. The first was 266. That means my doubling times are about 40. They want the doubling time for a normal pregnancy to be less than 48. I feel such relief at hearing this news. Now, all I have to wait for is the first ultrasound (scheduled for 4/16) to hear the heartbeat and my chance for miscarrying will drop to 10%. I can breathe now.

Baby Log

March 2 (CD1) started 1000mg Metformin & 500mg Metformin every other day, SMEP, and ClearEasy Fertility Monitor
March 18 & 19 (CD14 & 15) Peak Fertility on Monitor
March 28 (10DPO) Dry lips, slight nausea, loss of appetite, fatigue, burps
March 31 (13DPO) Positive HPT! (very faint line on dollar tree brand)
April 1 (14DPO) VERY positive HPT right away on Fact Plus brand

April 2 (15DPO) Beta 266, P4 12.2
April 4 (16DPO) Beta 604

Pregnancy #1

I often sit and think about what my life would be like if my little bean had made it safely into my arms. The death of my little baby leaves a sadness in me that I can't push away. It also leaves me grateful for the experience. I am glad to have been a mommy for such a short time. I am grateful that I have learned so much about myself even from such a tiny spirit. I can't help but wonder what will happen to my little bean when I die. Will I be it's mommy in Heaven? Did it only need that taste of life to complete it's journey here on earth? If that is true, then I am happy I was able to help make that possible. I have so many questions...

the real question...

I'm nervous but also very excited to begin documenting this new journey we're about to embark on. For those of you who aren't aware, Dave and I have suffered a long road of infertility. Almost 3 years in fact. We've endured SEVERAL tests and treatments, more than 12 months of medicated cycles, 4 artificial inseminations (all ending with negatives) and a natural pregnancy that shortly ended in miscarriage at 6 weeks 4 days. I know it seems trite compared to some of my fellow Stirrup Queens, but ANY battle with infertility is a difficult one.

The title of my blog "to pee or not to pee" has two angles to it. One: I am an habitual stick fiend. I have been known to pee on a stick on command in any situation needed. When you succumb to numerous fertility tests and treatments, you become an addict of peeing on a stick. I pee on sticks at all points in my cycle. At the beginning of my cycle, I pee on a pregnancy test to confirm my period isn't in fact implantation bleeding. I pee on fertility monitor sticks and ovulation predictor sticks throughout the duration of my cycle. And I go through at least 2 pregnancy test sticks again at the end of each cycle. It's a disgusting habit that I've vowed to break...soon.

Two: "to pee or not to pee" comes into play in this new chapter in my life as I've found myself newly pregnant again. I find myself speechless as I type these words yet a second time. I am elated, yet extremely terrified that the outcome will be the same as last. We will remain cautiously optimistic until our baby is safely in our arms. Forgive me if my excitement doesn't come through with these words. I am indeed thrilled, but I don't feel I'll be able to relax until I see the first heartbeat.

As with most pregnant women, I'm doing the pee-pee dance in my office chair every 1-2 hours, thus the poignant phrase "to pee or not to pee". That indeed is the question.